Wrestling with the Boy Scouts

In my sometimes vain attempts at enlightened parenting, I have turned to sage parenting books on how to do The Right Thing.  From The Wonder of Boys to How to Talk so Children Will Listen and How to Listen so Children Will Talk, I feel like I've sampled a lot...all to understand how I can support my young boys in becoming masculine, strong, sensitive, kind, empathetic men who will love well and make excellent partners and contribute positively to society.  I've also read most of the panicky articles about the demise of boys, childhood, our educational system (see: recent Newsweek magazines).  It seems boys are the new girls.  Remember back in the 70's and 80's when we needed Title IX?  There were glass ceilings?  There was talk of an Equal Rights Amendment to the constitution?  I'm not saying everything is perfect for women, but if you look at the stats on our current economy, men (especially those in the uber-male fields of construction and the like) are suffering, remaining unemployed, feeling emasculated.  If you look at the stats on ADHD diagnoses, they are rapidly increasing (and in geographical patterns--coincidence?) and mostly assigned to boys.  And women are outpacing men in higher education.  And this either/or dichotomy for gender based success is good for no one. 

One thing I've read and believe is that boys need mentors, particularly as they enter adolescence.  There is a point when young men need someone besides a parent to hold them accountable, to bounce things off of, to be around without the baggage of family, to share secrets with.  They need a tribe to help educate them on the ways of manhood.  Boys (and all children of course) need nature and movement.  In fact, many psychologists see ADD/ADHD as nature deficit disorder in part.  As I started thinking about all of this over the past several months was when I started thinking about the Boy Scouts.  Well, all that, and our experience last summer working at a scout camp a couple of hours from our home--Philmont Scout Ranch near Cimmaron, NM.

I have to admit that I've had several biases against the scouts.  There was a cloud of un-cool geekiness that I'd internalized somewhere in my own adolescence.  Even though both of my brothers had been scouts and seemed to enjoy themselves, scouting seemed to fall out of fashion, either as a function of time or age.  As I learn more about the organization, it seems that the 1980's were generally not kind to it.  And then there were the scandals.  I think the scandals were very harmful to the intention, the reputation and the enrollment of the scouts.  Appropriately so.

I'm specifically referring to pedophilia.  And the violation of a scout is on par, in my mind, with the crimes perpetrated by the Catholic church.  The leaders of both are held in trust and esteem by the scout and the parents.  Violating that kind of trust is one of the ugliest, most vile kinds of abuse.  I clearly recall lying in my hospital bed after the birth of my eldest son, watching the reports of pedophilia and molestation by priests, and the cover-up and shuffling of the perpetrators by the Catholic leadership on the news.  I remember vividly, only hours into motherhood, thinking that I would kill someone if they did that to my boy.  Literally.

So there's that, and then there's the issues of the 1990's:  the 3 G's--Girls, Gays and God.  The girl thing, not such a huge issue for me.  Gays--problem.  One part of the problem is that in both the church and scouting fallout, gays have been equated with pedophiles.  So Not True.  It's the same as believing all heterosexual men would be attracted to little girls.  And if there is a gay father or community member who has gifts, time and positive mentorship to share with boys, why should he be banned?    It is still the policy of the scouts, upheld by the Supreme Court since they are a private organization, to exclude gays.

On the God issue, I'm torn.  There is a compulsory component to scouting that is called the "Duty to God."  And supposedly they don't care what religion you are, but you have to believe in something.  Buddhists, Hindu, Jews, Muslims--they all have their own badges.  The Unitarian Universalists got into a tiff with the scouts over the gay policy--very anti-unitarian.  You can be anything at all in the scouts but a non-believer.  As a recovering Catholic, evolution believing biologist who is struggling deeply with issues of higher powers, this puts me in a slightly ambivalent, slightly uncomfortable position.  We are still sorting out where we sit--the pew or the pillow--on this issue.  Our family tendency is closer to Buddhisim than anything else.  But we have time to figure some of that out.

After our experience at the Scout camp this past summer, my reservations about enrolling my son were put on the back burner.  What I saw were hundreds of adolescent boys (and many, many young women) who were in the midst of lengthy backpacking treks through the wilderness of NM.  There was heartwarming camaraderie amongst the troops and with their leaders.  There was physical stress, immersion in nature, history, beauty, solitude.  There was personal triumph.  There were a few fights;  my husband cared for a couple of boys who'd gotten into a fist fight and had some minor injuries.  They were forced to spend the night together in the medical tent and figure it out or be sent home.  It worked;  they re-joined their troop the following day.

We spent most of our time with the staff.  There were a LOT of college aged kids employed to make the 40,000 individuals passing through Philmont either on expeditions or training seminars have a fun, exciting, seamless experience.  I was in awe of how this place functioned so well, with at least 1000 scouts turning over every day.  And these kids were kind.  They were just plain old college aged kids, not drinking (alcohol was strictly forbidden...but not in nearby Cimmaron), living in tents for a summer.  They were really nice and the whole experience was ridiculously wholesome.  We also got to ride horses, shoot archery and air rifles, make oodles of crafts and our own leather belts.  We hiked and spent really quality time together and then separately with our age matched co-horts.  In spite of the uniforms and my fear of quasi-militaristic indoctrination, it was really fun.   My kids ask about when we are going to return all of the time.  S, the 5 year old, told me that he wanted to stay there forever as we were drifting off to sleep together one night in the tent next to our cabin.

So that, combined with the fact that I keep finding people that I really like and respect tell me about how they attended Philmont 20, 30 or more years ago has nudged us into scouting.  The adults I've met who were scouts are all kinds.  Jewish East Coaster who was a scout into his 30's and came to Philmont on a train at age 16...Black physician who is still active as a scout master...corporate attorney/former Wall Streeter who has become a cub master...really fun friend/fellow doctor who now practices in New Zealand.  All open minded.  All more or less liberal folk.  Not religious in my mind at all, really.  Certainly not discriminatory in the least.  And they have volunteered or are volunteering their time to serve as mentors for other young men.  I have found that there is no stereotype to scouts and their leaders.  Just folk that are interested in learning, teaching, mentoring.

It is critical to know the scout masters or anyone you leave your children with of course!  But I'm thankful that my son's soccer coach, and friends and fellow parents at our children's school are our scout leaders.  These are people I trust.  The scouts also have a booklet that parents discuss with their children that has really good information generally about situations where a child could be put in danger.  The organization has also put into place mechanisms that should obviate opportunities to violate children.  On the inclusivity front, our local scout leaders put out a letter saying that they personally would not discriminate against any scout who came out as gay.  They would not enforce the organization's policy, and they are subtly fighting it.  I think that given the community that we happen to live in, it couldn't be any other way.  However, I wonder what the policy means for the country and for boys living in more conservative places.

It feels a bit retro, the scouts:  whittling and carving, wrestling, races, knot tying, secret handshakes.   In our tech driven culture how do the seemingly old fashioned tasks of whittling, knot tying and the like help him?   Those things hone his dexterity and connection to the earth.  How will carving a pinewood car help him succeed later in life?  The race will teach him about success and more importantly, failure. In our time of accelerated maturity, hyper-stimulation by media of all kinds, exposure to violence, being able to bring simple skills and joys back into focus feels right.  Instead of living in a virtual world with virtual friends, he's in the natural world, figuring out how things work, navigating challenging relationships with other actual boys. There are also sessions on wilderness safety, water safety and first aid.  He's developing a consciousness about dangers in the world and safety from them.   Of course the scouts do not have a monopoly on these activities and lessons.  It's just one avenue, a boy-centric avenue, where boys are loved and appreciated for their boyness--with snips, snails, puppy-dog tails and all.  They can be physical, occupy large space, compete...be themselves in their tribe.

So with some caveats, I have enrolled my son in Cub Scouts. And now every Wednesday evening, C comes home beaming about his latest scouting adventures.  The real proof is in my son's joy--it's just plain fun.  He's not one to be mysterious about his emotions.  If at all buried, they usually emerge when I'm lying down with him in the dark at snuggle time.  So far it's all good.  But my hope is that the activities, the lessons, the group dynamic and ultimately, the mentorship, help in shaping my son into a great man, one who can navigate a future world we cannot even imagine.  And when the time comes that he does not tell me his secrets in the dark, there will be another trusting adult to hear him out.