Slow Parenting

Now that I have 7 1/3 years of experience as a parent (I guess it is 12 years, cumulative), I see that the more I try to push forward in time, thought and development of my self and my children, the more I must let go, back off, relax. You see, I have gone from being a left-brained, controlled, organized professional with an agenda and goals and perfection, to being a mom. I started off as that organic-pushing, exclusively breastfeeding hyper-conscientious mom that could easily hover. I can see how and why people become that. Thankfully, I was graced with a decidedly right-brained first born son. This is the first entry in a blog I'm going to write about what an incredible gift this has been. I gave birth to Peter Pan.

I mean this in the most loving and respectful way. He gets a bit of a rap, Pete does, for being a slacker, avoidant, irresponsible. But what he teaches us is how to see the world through a child's eye, for it is truly and completely different than how we adults perceive and relate to others and the world. I see that in the wonders of the internet we can answer any question we have, any question a child has, in a literal instant. We can answer the timeless "Why is the sky blue?" with discussion of atmosphere and light scattering. We have 24 hour access to information and can bombard ourselves with it. A child exposed to this constant information, constant imagery, constant implantation of idea, constant stimulation will have little time to develop his own questions, his own visions, his own ideas. His creativity.

As I began my parenting journey in June 2002 with the birth of my eldest, C, I read so many books on how to be the right parent. "Just tell me what I need to know, what I need to do and I'll do it!" Doing things to nourish my child, allow him to flourish, and absolutely, positively not harm him. Of course, I could not achieve perfection. I yell. I get angry, impatient. I am distracted. I was horribly torn between my drive and desire to work at my profession and the feeling I needed to be with my son. But then when I was with him alone at home, I felt isolated, unimportant, frustrated, depressed. But I digress....

I'm approaching middle age at what feels like light speed, and watching my 3 boys grow in that way that seems achingly difficult from moment to moment when I'm constantly being asked of my services and energy and time. Butts to be wiped, string to be cut, tape to be dispensed, fights to be refereed, cardboard to be cut, games to be played, tricks to be applauded, teeth to be brushed, nails to be clipped, nightmares to be soothed, messes to be cleaned, colds to be nursed.... It is impossible to engage in anything else of substance while parenting--a 30 year habit I've had to break. I find it incredibly difficult to allow myself to live in the moment--in their moment, and to let go of a need--a compulsion, really--to be productive. I've been at home with my boys off and on since becoming a parent, trying on different work arrangements for size. I have a good balance now, working in my profession part time, during 'school hours' and largely being available for my sons. I can drive on field trips and bake for the festivals. This has allowed me to fulfill both of the deep needs I have to work and to be present for my kids. I consider myself incredibly lucky--my husband's income allows me this luxury. And when I step back, as cliche as this sounds, I can't believe how quickly it's all flown by. And I know that the needs they have now will fade quickly, as will their need for me and my advice.

What C has taught me is to enjoy the moment. He has demanded slow parenting. Stop and cut out the circle. He has had an incredible capacity to appreciate beauty from a very young age and will stop life to appreciate it. He has reminded me that if you live your life now and you'll enjoy it again when you remember it in the future. So many 'time-saving' devices and prepackaged foods short change our soul. Who's time is being saved? And for what? A particular gift C has given me is an introduction to Waldorf-inspired education. I was reluctant, judgmental and skeptical of this approach. It became clear in preschool, at the tender age of 4, that he was not going to fit into the usual mold. One day when I picked him up from the very sweet local preschool, where my friend's kids attended and I fit in well, and where he'd been having issues integrating into the high-energy boyish play, he told me with a heavy heart that "they'd be better off without me there."

Now, I do not intend this blog to be a debate on the right-ness, or righteousness, for that matter, of Waldorf education. I merely want to point out the positives it has had on my life and my parenting. And I'd have never gotten there if it weren't for C. What I have relished in this journey is the emphasis it has on home made. I've taken up knitting again, a craft my mother wanted me to learn though I quickly dropped in childhood. It is expected that foods will be wholesome and preferably home made. Baked goods will have a minimum of sugar. There is an absence of media images and movie characters are not discussed. Screen time is strongly discouraged during the school week. The children are encouraged to come up with their own images. They don't use worksheets or coloring books--the children create the page.

What else his school does is honor childhood. It slows down exposure to many forces in our culture that push children to do things before they are ready (but allows for those ready to move forward). It preserves the magic of that time. This is not in leiu of becoming responsible as there is much that is expected of the children, including chores, tasks and projects from a young age. But they are given time to blossom at their own pace. This has been invaluable as I have entered the realm of reading with my eldest (a topic for another post). But in this moment in time, with melting ice caps, wars on multiple fronts, dying soldiers, vanishing species, and children not being left behind, I relish taking a step back. I remember when C was 4 1/2 he devised a plan to save the polar bears and was intent on writing the president to let him know that with plenty of tape and glue their homes could be saved! What an incredibly anxiety for a preschooler. I now focus on what I can make beautiful, lovely and enjoyable in my home. I can relish that which has been made at home. Ironically I shunned taking Home Ec in 7th grade--I was on a different track. And, indeed I was. I went to medical school. I played sports. But the value of a slow, safe, sweet, beautiful home where creativity is fostered, play and laziness are allowed (interspersed with responsibility, of course), children aren't over-scheduled, is now my pursuit. Of course, I'll never be perfect, I've realized that. But my child who would not grow up at what was the proscribed pace is my inspiration...and just wait til I tell you about the other two.